So I just got back from the post-secondary night at my school where all the representatives from different universities & colleges comes & you can get brocures & ask questions.  Basically it’s between SFU & Cappilano.  SFU is ideal, it’s where I want to go.  But I’d have to do math 11 foundations instead of A&W which basically is a lot more stress on my part.  & I also have to have an A in my academic courses, & have 4 academic grade 12 courses.  That’s English, Spanish, Law, & one other one that I haven’t picked yet.  Cappilano would be a lot easier to get into but SFU is a much better school.

I’m terrified.  This is really happening.  I am graduating in 20 months.  I want this & I’m ready, but just because I’m ready doesn’t mean I can’t be scared.  It’s normal to be scared, right?  Everyone’s scared before they graduate, no matter what, right?  It’s sort of all just hitting me now & I’m scared, okay?

this is what Josh said to me today;
“You always look lonely.  Even when you’re with people, you just have this look on your face like you’re lonely.  Like, you know when you have a bunch of people over and then it’s time for all of them to leave?  And then they leave and you’re alone and sort of just like ‘what now?’  That’s how you always look.  You permanently have the ‘what now?’ look on your face.”

People make me miserable.  Going to school makes me miserable.  Waking up makes me miserable.  Having to deal with everyone’s shit makes me miserable.  Having homework to do, even if it’s simple, makes me miserable.  Family & friends all take turns making me angry & annoyed & miserable.  Having to shower & having to put on nice clothes & make my hair nice to please others to please myself in turn makes me miserable.
Sometimes all this miserableness builds up & then negative thoughts creep in.  & I think them for long enough & soon all I can see is the negative.  Then I believe it.  & I begin to think I’m ugly.  I start to feel worthless.  I stop caring.  I say things I don’t mean, I become who I’m not.
But when I’m onstage, I smile.  I forget everything & for that moment I am someone who is happy.  Or sad for different reasons, reasons that aren’t such a big deal, even if they are, and make me forget all the things in the world that make me so miserable.  When I sing, people are listening.  People are paying attention to something I can do, & so I’m focusing on doing the best I can.  & everything that makes me so miserable goes away.  & then they clap & I smile.  I am happy, for that moment I am the most beautiful, most talented girl in the world.  When I’m at choir or theatre, no matter how bad my day is, it cheers me up, it makes me happy.  Just being surrounded by people who are here to sing & act & learn just like I am.
This is why I want to graduate early.  This is why I’m so eager to get out of here & start my life.  Because it’s never going to be work, no matter how hard it gets.  Everyone tells me that I might change my mind, but I’m not stupid.  I would never spend my life doing something that makes me miserable if I didn’t have to.  One less year that I have to go through all this, the better.
Here’s hoping I break a leg.

I am not a Christian.  I tried.  I tried so very hard to be a Christian, only so that the people in my life would be happy, but it did not make me happy.  So, I am not a Christian. 
I miss my Nana and Papa.  My Papa, mostly.  But they are very strong Christians.  I don’t just want to go back to seeing them again, what if they get mad?  Their little grand daughter doesn’t believe in Jesus any more.  I thought for a moment it’d be alright, and so I stopped telling people I was Christian.  I lost my best friend because of that.  I’m terrified now.  What if they get mad?  What if they force it upon me?  Make me go to church?  Of course they couldn’t make me, but I just don’t want to disappoint them anymore.  I just want to leave this picture of a nice happy 12 year old with them.  I don’t want recent pictures of me in their house, I just want them to remember me forever as their precious little Jesus loving 12 year old girl.  I don’t want them to see what a wreck I am.  Or what I’ve done.  All these things I’ve promised them I’d never do, I’ve done.
Best friend, you have ruined so much for me.  You have made me think all Christians will just turn their backs on me the moment they realize I don’t share their beliefs.  After 11 years of being forced to go to church, I certainly know that that is not what the Christian religion is about.

chelsearooks:

 When I was little, I went over to all these boys who were catching frogs and was all like, Hey can I join? They were all like GIRLS ARE ICKY! Apparently they hadn’t heard of boobs!!!!! So I went off all on my lonesome and I caught a caught a huge frog, ten times the size of their little frogs. I walked over to them and was all SUCK ON THIS

DUDE. THAT’S MY LIFE, THAT’S WHAT I DID.

brainwavess:

Whoever said that having your boyfriend as your best friend makes you have the best relationship was dumb. Because you lose your boyfriend, and you lose your best friend. Then your just completely lost and awkward and everything feels wrong and you just want your best friend back but that can’t happen. Heart please get out of my stomach. This is for the best.

(Source: wutevabr0)

In certain climates in the winter, everything dies. Or seems to. The trees lose their leaves. The grasses turn brown. Nothing grows. Nothing is green. Logically, though, you know that it is all just a period of rest. That when spring returns the trees will begin to bud again, daffodils and tulips will break through the cold ground, and everything will come back to life. You may be in a period of rest now, but don’t assume that just because nothing prosperous has happened for you recently that it never will again. You are about to experience a reawakening.